Have you ever done something stupid? Not the this is all my fault I made a bad choice kind of stupid, but instead the mindless, my body was acting, and did the wrong thing in the wrong moment kind. 

Recently I saw a clip of a person on television accidentally drinking nail polish remover, instead of taking a drink out of the water bottle next to the nail polish remover. Now, this is an unconscious act that could have dangerous consequences. Right on the bottle it says, if ingested drink plenty of fluids and contact poison control. But this was by no means a thought out act of stupidity, it was simply that the bottles were next to each other, and both open. Proximity can really impact our choices. 

Over the last year, I've lost a substantial amount of weight, and I find that this proximity rule really plays into my daily healthy eating success or failure as well. If I am near a bad choice, it's easier to make a bad choice. The same holds true for choices in relationships, if I am around people who complain, I suddenly have things to complain about, or if I am around people who are really positive and uplifting, poof, its easier to be positive and spread good energy again. 

So, what does this mean? Its simple, your proximity to positive and negative affects how you show up in life, and the decisions you make. So, stack your deck by surrounding yourself with good options to put in your mind, body, and relationships. Then run away from the toxic, and if someone continues to try and be toxic towards you alert your inner pest control so you can make plans to not be in proximity to them. When someone treats you poorly on a regular basis, don't give them access to you. You are a gift, and you should be honored, so if they can't do that, they don't get to be near you.  As I once heard Samantha on that canceled t.v. show Samantha Who say: "Surround yourself with people you admire, and people who admire you." It's that easy. 

People say " A relationship shouldn't be this hard." or "shouldn't love be easier?". But the truth of it is that a good relationships can actually be both hard and easy, and should have a flexibility to how things are moving along. 

Right now If you find yourself thinking, she's crazy, my relationship is easy, and that's the way it should be. I say: Good, great job, and I challenge you to consider if your partner is as happy with you and the relationship as you would like to believe, and if there is anything you'd like different (maybe more time together, less fighting, less time in front of the t.v. or a better sex life?). Because the simple truth is, that relationships do take work.

However, the work doesn't have to feel hard, and it shouldn't feel hard all the time, but it is okay to have hard times. Part of your growth as a couple is done by coming through hard times together, and being all the stronger for them (meaning closer and more connected after). Hard times are basically hands on team building experience. My answer to if relationships should be hard - yes, sometimes they should, but not all the time. Should relationships be easy - yes, sometimes they should but not all the time. So what does that mean relationships should be to get the Baby Bear feeling of just right? Answer: Relationships should be intentional.

What's that mean? It means that you need to be tuned into your partner, into their life outside of you, and with you. You need to be able to give them the love, respect and support they desire, and you desire for them. It also means that you need to be conscious about what you want out of the relationship, your partner and yourself. It means really being honest with yourself and your partner moment by moment, and coming together in the face of the hard truths that exist and challenge you on a personal and relational level.

So, today I challenge you to consider your relationship,..is it hard right now? If yes, how can you make it easier on your partner and grow your love, trust and friendship? Is your relationship easy right now? Great! How can you make it even better and build up your love, trust and friendship bank account now, so that you have enough to tide your relationship over for the next time a situational rough storm comes about? You are worth the work, and so is your relationship.

Recently I overheard a person lamenting to another person that they "always date the same person over again, even though it's a different girl"... and it was hard for me to restrain myself. I didn't mean to be listening into this other conversation, but waiting in a confined space made it impossible for me to not over hear. And thus I spent the next 20 minutes or so biting my tongue.

As a  therapist, I wanted to say, "YES! Yes you are dating the same person over again, and if you dump her, you will find one just like her again! It will take some work, but you can change that. Just come see me for a few sessions, and we'll see how different the next girl you pick up can be." 

The sad but comfortable truth of it all is that we as humans tend to play out difficult relationships from our past until we can get them right. Seriously, it's like we haunt ourselves with relationships dynamics from the past until they play out differently, we get sick of it and change it, or until it kills us (literally, this is one of the main reasons that people in abusive relationships continue to go back, or go on into another abusive relationship after leaving one, it's what they are used to and feels normal).

Now I'm gonna say something you likely don't wanna hear, but the truth of it is that often that 1st relationship (the one you play over and over again) wasn't in a choose your partner situation, but instead was a parent or leading adult role during your childhood. Now as an adult you continue to be drawn to people who are like that person (treat you like they treated you), and continue to interact with them hoping to get something that you couldn't from your original adult figure. So, sorry to make you have to think about this, but if you feel like your relationship with your partner is the same as past relationships, consider thinking about how closely that relationship may mirror a relationship you have with one of your parents/caregivers. You may be saying right now, No way, I didn't even know my dad. But wait, is one of the main issues in your current relationship that you feel like your partner is never around? Hum... who is that like? Or you may be saying this person is in no way like my dad,..well what about your mom? Just because you are a female doesn't mean you will carry out a dynamic like the one between you and your father, it could be you and your mom, or you and your grandma.

But here is the good news. You don't have to continue to stay in unsatisfying relationships trying to to get a resolution you could never get with a parent. Instead you can suck it up and acknowledge that there is an issue here, and that you need to do some self work. Then, if you are really brave, go see a therapist. If you're brave but a little scared, talk to some trusted friends and consider a self-help book (but be careful, a lot of those are crap). Most importantly do some self- work. Get in touch with yourself and find out what you are craving from that first relationship, then figure out how to get it from yourself. Ouch, that is hard, but if you do you'll be able to enter into relationships in a whole new way, (or stay in  your that completely frees you and your partner from your old crap. Wouldn't that be nice?

Most of us hear the word boundaries and cringe, but it really doesn't have to be so hard. Boundaries are a great way to establish love, care, and respect for yourself and others. They are also inadvertently a great way to piss people off. So, yeah, I guess they can be a bit hard...but they are totally worth it. 

So, how do you set boundaries and get the love, care and respect you deserve? More importantly, how do you get your boundaries respected and honored by those around you? 


One way the odds of the boundaries you set being respected goes up is by being overt. Whoow, scary concept I know. But actually letting people know your boundaries so they can have an opportunity to respect them, is more likely to meet both of your needs. One big catch about setting a boundary out loud is that first you need to define your boundaries.