Most of us hear the word boundaries and cringe, but it really doesn't have to be so hard. Boundaries are a great way to establish love, care, and respect for yourself and others. They are also inadvertently a great way to piss people off. So, yeah, I guess they can be a bit hard...but they are totally worth it.
So, how do you set boundaries and get the love, care and respect you deserve? More importantly, how do you get your boundaries respected and honored by those around you?
One way the odds of the boundaries you set being respected goes up is by being overt. Whoow, scary concept I know. But actually letting people know your boundaries so they can have an opportunity to respect them, is more likely to meet both of your needs. One big catch about setting a boundary out loud is that first you need to define your boundaries.
So, how do you set boundaries and get the love, care and respect you deserve? More importantly, how do you get your boundaries respected and honored by those around you?
One way the odds of the boundaries you set being respected goes up is by being overt. Whoow, scary concept I know. But actually letting people know your boundaries so they can have an opportunity to respect them, is more likely to meet both of your needs. One big catch about setting a boundary out loud is that first you need to define your boundaries.
Often people don't realize something is not okay (a boundary violation) until they are good and pissed off about it. Meaning that someone else had to violate the boundary. Wouldn't it be nice to not have to get pissed to set boundaries?
To set boundaries first determine what you want. At times it is easier to think of what you don't want and then flip it to find out your desire. I.e. I don't want my family staying a week (I want them to stay 3 nights at most), or I don't want him to call me by the nickname I had in grade school (Suzie) (I want him to call me by the name I enjoy and identify with more (Sue)).
Then find a gentle way to communicate the boundary, that transfers both love and respect to the person you are setting the boundary with, but still allows you to be heard.
To set boundaries first determine what you want. At times it is easier to think of what you don't want and then flip it to find out your desire. I.e. I don't want my family staying a week (I want them to stay 3 nights at most), or I don't want him to call me by the nickname I had in grade school (Suzie) (I want him to call me by the name I enjoy and identify with more (Sue)).
Then find a gentle way to communicate the boundary, that transfers both love and respect to the person you are setting the boundary with, but still allows you to be heard.
I.e. With the above example of not wanting family staying a week, try something like this: "I was really looking forward to your visit, and am hoping you'd be willing to stay with us for three nights. After that if you still plan to be in town, we could come to your motel one day so we'd still get to see you". Or with the name example "You know I was thinking about how sometimes you call me Suzie, and how most of the time only people who really don't know me call me Suzie, and we know each other pretty well now, so go ahead and call me Sue".
See how both of the above requests communicate your boundary but are still sweet for another person to take in? The more positive you make the boundary sound, the more likely a person will respect the boundary. After that it is your job to gently remind them of the boundary if they slip up.
I.e. We were thinking we'd stay at your place 4 nights and then a hotel the last night. Your gentle response "Actually 3 nights at our house is what works best for us." or Yep Suzie. your gentle response "Remember you get to call me Sue n".
Boundaries do take a while to reinforce, and we will continue to talk about that in the upcoming months. But in the mean time, go ahead and set some gentle boundaries. Give others the opportunity to respect them, and see what happens.
*Because Boundaries are so very important, and create a good foundation in every relationship, this is part 1 of a series on boundaries. Please tune back to in to read more in the future on how to set boundaries and have your boundaries respected. For additional insight about how to set Boundaries check out a great book by Cloud & Townsend's book: Boundaries.
*Because Boundaries are so very important, and create a good foundation in every relationship, this is part 1 of a series on boundaries. Please tune back to in to read more in the future on how to set boundaries and have your boundaries respected. For additional insight about how to set Boundaries check out a great book by Cloud & Townsend's book: Boundaries.
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