Often in this world we don't get  what we want. One of the ways this tends to play out is in people's 1st real attachment based relationships - their parents. We all recognize that parents are suppose to be loving and supportive, but unfortunately this is often not the reality for many people. 

In my work, and in my personal life I meet a lot of people who are struggling with the fact that their parents simply aren't able to show up for them in a positive way (healthy, mature, loving, and non-hurtful). Instead they (or possibly in this case, you) are stuck with who you get. Sadly the truth may be that you will never feel validated, supported, loved, listened to, or honored in a positive way by the people who created you. And that really sucks. I'm sorry. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can be there for you and allow you to be your authentic self and still know that you are worthy just as you are of love, affection and understanding.

So, what do you do if this is the case? What do you do if your mother can't see past her own emotions long enough to be present with your experience? What do you do if your father takes anything tender you do and turns it against you? What do you do if all you've ever known is hurt from the people who are suppose to love you? 

Well, there are lots of things you can do, unfortunately none of them are easy, and none of them feel like they should be your job. So, in this instance it might be totally appropriate to get really pissed off. Pissed yet? Good, cause you're gonna need that energy to take the next steps (keep in mind that these steps aren't really linear, you may bounce around and need to redo steps repeatedly at times, and that's okay). 

1. First get some support - I'm not saying it has to be therapy, even though I believe therapy is IDEAL for this kind of support, but please find someone who will listen to you, tell you that you are worthy, and acknowledge that what you parents are doing (or not doing in some cases) is seriously messed up. See this person often throughout the steps, and start to believe that they know what they are talking about when they say you are worthy of love, acceptance and peace.

2. Define your boundaries. This is a super hard one - figure out what is and isn't acceptable to you, and start setting limits. You might feel alone, you might feel unworthy, but trust me, you are worth it. Now since you are boundary setting that also gives you a chance to be heard (to be assertive). If this means you need to tap into a B*tch side, go ahead, tap away, because boundary setting is about making yourself safe, and you deserve to be safe. It is also about letting others know how to treat you, which is essential if you want to be treated well. 

3. Onto the next step - Grieve. Yep, I said grieve. Take time to acknowledge the loss of the dream of the parent you always wanted - maybe it's a dream of having a sober mother, or an openly emotional father, or a parent present at your wedding. Regardless if it is not happening take some time and allow yourself to feel sad about that loss of the dream, it was a good dream, and I'm sorry it didn't come true. If you want take a moment to reflect on the hardship of losing a dream.

4. Now (& throughout the process)- Be kind to yourself. Recognize you are doing hard work, and that you haven't been treated with the love and support you deserved. So start giving it to yourself. Do things that make you feel good, take a bubble bath, go for a walk, play music, do whatever nurtures your soul, and do it often. You are doing hard work, and you deserve to be treated well, especially by the person with you the most, yourself.
 
5. Lastly - Be open to exceptions. Do not get your hopes up, but it is true that at times people change, and sometimes people do come around and treat others better. This might occur with carefully selected opportunities (meaning allowing some people access with boundaries established if you feel comfortable), however, this is a very slight change. So, if you are not seeing an inkling of change don't open yourself up for more hurt from that person. It sucks to realize but sometimes mean and hurtful people will always be mean and hurtful. However, if an exception happens be open to seeing it.

6. The really last thing - continue to recognize that you are worthy, you are importance and you are a champion in your own life. This life can get better, but unfortunately not everyone who started out with us are going to cross the finish with us, and that is okay. So, just continue to work on running the race. 


On another note, this dynamic with parents often filters into partner selection and problems with relationships, so stay tuned for additional writings on this topic. In the mean time, continue being awesome.

Have you ever done something stupid? Not the this is all my fault I made a bad choice kind of stupid, but instead the mindless, my body was acting, and did the wrong thing in the wrong moment kind. 

Recently I saw a clip of a person on television accidentally drinking nail polish remover, instead of taking a drink out of the water bottle next to the nail polish remover. Now, this is an unconscious act that could have dangerous consequences. Right on the bottle it says, if ingested drink plenty of fluids and contact poison control. But this was by no means a thought out act of stupidity, it was simply that the bottles were next to each other, and both open. Proximity can really impact our choices. 

Over the last year, I've lost a substantial amount of weight, and I find that this proximity rule really plays into my daily healthy eating success or failure as well. If I am near a bad choice, it's easier to make a bad choice. The same holds true for choices in relationships, if I am around people who complain, I suddenly have things to complain about, or if I am around people who are really positive and uplifting, poof, its easier to be positive and spread good energy again. 

So, what does this mean? Its simple, your proximity to positive and negative affects how you show up in life, and the decisions you make. So, stack your deck by surrounding yourself with good options to put in your mind, body, and relationships. Then run away from the toxic, and if someone continues to try and be toxic towards you alert your inner pest control so you can make plans to not be in proximity to them. When someone treats you poorly on a regular basis, don't give them access to you. You are a gift, and you should be honored, so if they can't do that, they don't get to be near you.  As I once heard Samantha on that canceled t.v. show Samantha Who say: "Surround yourself with people you admire, and people who admire you." It's that easy. 

Most of us hear the word boundaries and cringe, but it really doesn't have to be so hard. Boundaries are a great way to establish love, care, and respect for yourself and others. They are also inadvertently a great way to piss people off. So, yeah, I guess they can be a bit hard...but they are totally worth it. 

So, how do you set boundaries and get the love, care and respect you deserve? More importantly, how do you get your boundaries respected and honored by those around you? 


One way the odds of the boundaries you set being respected goes up is by being overt. Whoow, scary concept I know. But actually letting people know your boundaries so they can have an opportunity to respect them, is more likely to meet both of your needs. One big catch about setting a boundary out loud is that first you need to define your boundaries.