Taking the smallest step in the right direction is still movement towards where you want to be, and many small steps can add up to a huge distance. But this isn't a "baby steps" post, this is about what to do after you've taken a small step.

Widen your gait. Meaning, great, you've taken a small step, now make it a tiny bit bigger than before and see how that feels. This may sound basic, but sometimes basic is what you need, and here is the plain and simple truth - repeated small successes make you feel more confident in taking on bigger things. It builds your history of success, which is a pretty awesome thing to do if you think about it.

So, how does this apply to real life and what am I really talking about here? Well, it depends on what you are working on. If you need to build back up your relationship with your partner, start small - set a timer for 1 minute, and talk (with respect and authenticity) to your partner for that minute, focusing on the positive and not allowing fighting to come into play. When the timer goes off and your temper hasn't, awesome. Chalk that up as success and tomorrow go for 2 minutes, or maybe even later that night go for 2 minutes. 

Or if you want to eat healthier - put 1 piece of a vegetable on your plate with 1 meal a day (i.e. broccoli). Then once you have eaten that meal and successfully eaten that one piece - praise yourself for eating a vegetable, and tomorrow see if  you could do two pieces of broccoli or 1 piece at 2 meals. Again praise yourself, and don't let the guilt voice take over about how you "should be eating healthier". Instead do the small, and see what you can start building into. 

Same thing with exercise. Start small by walking 1/2 a block one day, or for some of you this might even be too big (in that case modify it - like make a goal of walking your driveway). The next day see if you can go the whole block. Praise yourself for what you are doing that is different from the day before, and keep going adding a tiny bit more each day. Or if you know you should take the stairs but it still seems like too much, take the elevator to 1 floor below your floor, and then take the last flight of stairs the rest of the way up. I know it might seem a little silly but this is all about getting you used to success and the feel of doing things a little bit different and leading up to your desires for your life. 

You can do this, you are worth it. Start small, often we fail because we take on too much too quick, so instead ask yourself What is the smallest thing I could do today to move me towards my dreams...and then do it. 

One of the things I always tell my clients is that things will likely get worse, before they get better. But here's the important part to remember it usually does get better. When you are in the throws of sadness, and fits of anger, remember that this is the middle. There is a better and that is the point you are working towards. It can get better, and in reality when you are down deep, there is a lot of opportunity for things to get better.

So  hang on. Do the basics of what you can do in the time you can do it, and give yourself a bit of a break over what you can't control. Maybe even work towards forgiving yourself and accepting that although it's not pleasant this is just the way things are right now. The important part to remember is that this situation/mood/feeling/experience is temporary, and although it sucks, you can move through it, and mostly likely will.

So hold on tight, and keep going. Remember when you are climbing a mountain, sometimes it can feel like you are staring at a wall of massive rock, but just take a moment to imagine the view from the top, and how you'll feel when you get there. You can do this, just keep going.  

We live in an era where,there is a motivational poster for everything. Don't get me wrong, I love a good encouraging, loving mantra as much as the next therapist. In fact I often encourage the use of mantras to begin increasing positive self talk, but seriously sometimes its just hype. And well, sadly, there are times when circumstances out weight all the hype, and reality can still suck. 

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be all, dooms day, but it is the truth. There are bits of hardship and sadness that the right words from a friend or loved one can lift you out from, and then there are the depths of depression, the throws of grief, and the agony of pain that no motivational poster or soft word from another can touch. Although I would love just the right words to make those things better, a few words or phrases are just not gonna do it. 

It is a process.

Recently I've had to go through more process in my life than I expected. I am used to helping other process through things, and am rather patient about the pace of growth and the hardship that is experienced when someone is raw and healing. But in my own life, it is harder to practice patience. 

In late August I hurt my back, and I modified my life (mostly my workouts) and routines around the house to accommodate my new pain. Things were tender, and some days were worse than others but overall there was improvement. Then in mid-September I re-injured my back to a debilitating level, as in I couldn't sit in one position for more than a minute, I couldn't sleep, and I simply couldn't function. I did stretches, I watched countless videos about how to alleviate back pain, but instead it only got worse, and so did my mood.  

I began seeing a chiropractor 2.5 weeks ago, and thankfully that has reduced the pain remarkably, but that didn't happen quickly. It took 6 sessions with a chiropractor before I was given the green light to try a gentle workout again, and unfortunately my bed is still too soft to sleep on, but I have faith that I will get through this, it just won't be quick. 

Last week after session number 4, the chiropractor remarked "oh, you actually have a personality now." which I found quite funny. It was also very true. When I was in excruciating pain, I didn't feel like myself, it was hard to function let alone joke, or be cheerful, or available. It was a good reminder for me about how slow the process can be when there are things outside our control going on (an unwelcome reminder, but still good in a way). Yes, those quotes, or blog posts from others with words of encouragement or similar stories of despair turned to triumph can be inspirational to read, but not when a person is at the absolute bottom of themselves. Then people who say motivational things seem a bit vapid and unsympathetic, because to hear motivation and have it be truly inspiring a person has to be ready, and sometimes being ready takes its own process to get to

So today, please consider just how hard simply functioning might be for a person, and give them a little more empathy. Yes, they might not be bubbling forth with exuberance and joy, but they might be doing a whole lot better than the day before so don't be down on them about where they are at, and instead give them some space for their process. And if the one down is you, be loving towards yourself and be patient with where you are... and of course consider seeing someone like me to help ease the burden. You don't have to be in this agony alone.

Improving yourself, your body, your relationships, your self-confidence, or your life is HARD. It takes a lot of time, energy, and most of the time it is uncomfortable. Lasting change can happen, there is hope for you, and hope for the life you want. But real change takes time, and unfortunately set backs happen along the way, they are to be expected. So what do you do when things have started to improve and then wham, you’re hit hard and it feels like ground zero again?

Here are some quick easy ways to turn set back into launch pads.

1. Acknowledge that you’ve made progress. The only way you can have a set back is if you were doing better already, so take a moment and recognize that you must have been doing something right, and that means you could do it again.
2. Take a moment and mourn. Recognize the setback, and label it as such, go ahead and feel sad about it for a moment. Heck, maybe even longer. If you are worried about getting stuck in this phase, be concrete about it. Go set your kitchen stove timer for 1-10 minutes and then use that time to really feel bad (if you don’t need the whole time that is great). But once that timer goes off, that’s enough. Time to say it’s over and I can do better from here.
3. Remind yourself that what matters now is your next right choice, and try to make it quickly. Do something good that works towards your improved life, and avoid the things that your know make things harder. If during this step you consider feeling bad about your setback, remind yourself that you already did that, and the time is up, so nicely talk to yourself about letting it go and focusing on what you can control now, and go make a good choice.
4. Watch for improvement, and as it happens praise yourself. Celebrate the small, until it turns into the big. The cool thing about set backs is that they give you even more opportunities for improvements, so the possibilities of what you can now accomplish are vast. Go for it, and when you experience successes, regardless of how small, celebrate them.
5. Remember setbacks, heck even failures happen, and they often happen before greatness. It took Edison over 2 years of failure before getting the right combination to make a light bulb burn, but when it did, it burned for 15 hours. His next improvement yielded a bulb that burned for 1500 hours.  What great feats could you accomplish with that much perseverance?
6. Finally, remember a great message I learned growing up from the Care Bears “It’s never too late if you care enough”. As long as you are still breathing there is hope. Let me say that again, as long as you are STILL BREATHING THERE IS HOPE, for you, for your relationship, and for the life you want.

So now, take a breath, tell yourself you can, and go out and live the life you want. You deserve it!