In times of grief words can't convey the enormity of the feelings experienced. Often in these times those closest to us are also at a loss for words, and may feel uncomfortable with knowing how to give comfort. In moments like those, it is okay for a person to not say much. In fact those trying to console often put their foot in their mouths by saying the completely wrong thing, which is not what you are going for. When consoling another, if you find yourself struggling for words, instead try something different:
1. Acknowledge the loss - don't be afraid to speak the name of the dead. Often hearing loss acknowledged is comforting to a person. Simply saying I was sorry to hear the news of... can be comforting. After acknowledging it is okay to be silent. No one needs to hear about your great aunt who also had cancer, or that person who you know who.... Unless it is positive memories about the person currently being grieved over, just be silent.
2. Do less verbally, and more with your body. - Be physically present and in the same room. If they want to zone out by watching a movie, watch it with them. Take care of the necessities like cooking and cleaning. Deliver kids to after school activities, and ask how you can be helpful. Don't just be passive (if you need anything call me), instead call them, text them and then show up. Do, don't just say it. If you feel lead, ask if you can hug them, and then do it.
3. Remember loss does not have an expiration date - Grief is different for everyone, and it's not something that just goes away. Be kind in your interactions and remember that just because a funeral is over doesn't mean the grief is gone. Give them time to grieve, and continue to be there.
4. Long after the loss, ask them how they are doing, and really listen. - When a person is ready to talk, there is a lot that comes out. Sometimes a person needs to emotionally vomit up all the things they've been holding inside. Other times they may need to cry, or to not think about it, or to laugh. Try to gauge what they need, and fill that need.
At times in life things happen that leave us feeling depleted, it could be the joys and hardship of a new baby (and subsequent lack of sleep and hygiene needs), a death of a loved one, a life altering medical diagnosis, or if you live in Minnesota right now - it might be this completely depressing weather that just won't give up. Regardless, life can be hard, and sometimes just getting through the day can seem almost unbearable. So how do you love your partner when daily functioning seems like a stretch, and a big part of you just wants to stay in bed with the covers thrown up over your head? First remember the blessing and curse that is existence means that time carries on. So although it sounds trite keep in mind that this too shall pass. Often when faced with hardship it feels like the world is ending, and things will never get better but time can do amazing things with our souls when it comes to finding peace and healing. Then go for the basics: Basic #1 - Be like a doctor and "do no harm". When life is hard, it's easy to snap at your partner because of how you're feeling. Instead practice silence when you feel like lashing out. Or better yet, communicate how your feeling to your partner so that they understand your new found quiet and don't misinterpret it to reflect something about them. Basic #2 - Be kind to yourself and give yourself some space. Wait, I thought we were talking about how to be a good partner? Well, this is how, take care of yourself in the ways your body needs and you will naturally be kinder and more loving to those around you. Remember we are being basic here, so I am not even talking bubble baths, I'm talking - food, sleep, showers, etc. Things that make you feel more stable and supported, then if you'd like you could do something special for yourself too like a bubble bath, a walk around a park, worship, watching a movie, etc. Eventually work towards doing things that could re-energize your soul. Basic #3 - Let your mouth mount praises. Whow - what the heck? When life is hard you want praises? YES! Praising your partner is like breathing air into the relationship. Let them know what you appreciate, how you feel about them, how awesome you think they are, and why you continue to love them so very much every day. Be authentic and be encouraging. Now, I know some of you are saying, this is really hard went I don't even wanna get dressed in the morning, and to that I say...yes, yes it is. And you can still do it. Take a moment to remember why you chose them as your partner, and then let those reasons stumble out of your mouth. So as you peak your head out over the blankets and decide to brave the day, remember that your partner is just that a partner. They can be a great source of support, comfort and joy even when life is hard. Whatever this is, it is something you and your partner can get through T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R. You want a good relationship and a source of support, so make sure that you are following the basics even when it's hard. It may be hard to believe but even in the darkest of hours your relationship can remain a vibrant mainline of security and love. Besides, if you're going to be under covers isn't it more fun to have your partner in there with you? I often have couples ask me the quickest way to improve their relationship. They ask me jokingly not expecting an answer, but I always have one. The quickest way to improve your relationship is by making a choice. You can choose love, or you can choose to do what you've been doing and stay stuck. You can choose to believe in your partner, believe in yourself, and believe that your relationship is worth fighting for, or you can do nothing (which doesn't usually go to well). But the truth of it is that often, especially in the beginning and middle there is a choice. Sometimes even towards what could be the end of a relationship there are choice moments, that can redefine everything, even make things better than you expected. The thing that a lot of people don't realize is that even when they are not actively choosing love, that is a choice. It is a passive choice, but still a choice. It is placing something else above your relationship. Often the other choice is pride, fear, self-preservation, or laziness, but it is always a choice. So today, as you consider your relationship make the choice to be intentional. Make the choice to believe the best of your partner, and treat them in a way that reflects that. Make a choice to love, even when it is hard, and even when you are tired. And if you choose something other than love, make damn sure you know what your choosing. Then the new question becomes is it worth it? If not, make a different choice. A lot of people live their lives feeling out of control, devalued, settling for less, and just plain unhappy. The truth is that you can have a good relationship. In fact, you might even be able to have a great one. The primary reason people don't understand that they can be happy within a relationship, and derive further happiness from that relationship is that they buy into the picture perfect Hollywood version of happy. One big problem... that version stops at wedding bells,...but then what? There is a swell of perfection all leading to that one glorious day, and then poof the credits roll and that's all she wrote. But the truth is that most of us live in the before and after. What happens after the honeymoon is up to you. The reason we don't see this part in the movies is because it takes work. And who wants to go see a movie about people building their relationship and maintaining a friendship while meeting the demands of career, kids, extended family and other interests (wait a minute, I'd still go see that, but most people wouldn't). Because relationships take daily work, and they aren't always a thrill a minute. But it's in the sweaty mess of living life that love can continue to grow the most. Plus the work doesn't have to be all that hard, the more you do it, the more fun it gets. Relationships are like plants, the ones that are nurtured flourish even in harsh conditions, but those neglected die. So how do you nurture your relationship? I talked about that last time: http://www.kempenichcounseling.com/1/post/2013/04/the-stock-market-whats-love-got-to-do-go-to-do-with-it.html but thought I'd go into a little more about what that means. Here is some quick practical wisdom for how to invest in your loving relationship with your partner. Take a moment and think back to when you first started seeing your partner. What kind of things did you do together? What things did you do for your partner then that have now fallen away? Often couples think, well I was trying to "woo" her then, and think that they no longer need to do the things they once did to win a person over. But what good is getting a person's love and affection if you can't keep it or increase it? And one of the easiest ways to up your odds of keeping and increasing your love is to continue to woo. Be authentic but also be invested enough in that person to let them know you still care, still want them, and that they are still worth the effort. It can be small like cooking a meal, or carving out time to spend together, but having intention for your partner can make all the difference in continuing to grow your love. So, no excuses...get out there and love on your partner, even when it's hard. Let me close with wise words from Dr. Sue Johnson " Love is like a language, if you speak it, it flows more and more easily. If you don't, then you start to lose it." I've studied, worked with and learned from love in a multitude of ways over the years. Given my profession, it makes sense that often the books I choose, movies I watch, and people I surround myself with center around laughter and love. Love is amazing, it can ignite your soul in a way that makes all things feel possible. Studies show that being with a person you deeply care about releases oxytocin into your blood stream which reduces stress, increases joy, and promotes additional loving behavior. Being with someone you love or even thinking loving thoughts about them actually makes you happier. How awesome is that? But, love can also be torturous. The smartest, most wonderful people in the world struggle with how to give and receive the love they want from the people they want it from. So, when it feels so good how can love be so hard? Well, it's all got to do with investments. Love is nothing if not a long term investment, and when our investments are not paying out the way we believe they should people tend to get cranky. Cranky people become hurt people, and then often pull their investment (i.e. if I'm not getting a simple hello from you, then I'm not coming home on time tomorrow). Or they shut off from their partner, stop acting kind, and stop treating their partner as their friend. Pulling investments sends their love stock plummeting And that sucks for everyone involved. When love stock plummets it affects the whole market. Suddenly stocks in things you didn't even know you were investing in drop, and others shoot up in their place. Instead of the high numbers and dividends you were receiving in affection, sexual intimacy, laughter, joy, and a desire to connect, you now have high shares of resentment, jealousy, contempt, frustration, and loneliness Those shares do nothing to improve your relationship, and often make people act ugly towards each other and themselves. So, what things can you do to increase your stock in love? Simple... or simply one of the most difficult things... Buy in more to the things that build love. Even when loving is hard, and your partner is prickly, love them anyway. Take interest in them, be their friend and treat them as your most valued friend. Buy shares of kindness, gentleness, empathy, forgiveness, and compassion. Make sure to also buy 3xs the share of listening that you think might be necessary, because you can never truly listen enough to the person who matters to you the most. Then make time for your partner. Don't give up simply because it is hard, or that you are not getting the response you want. Love is an everyday adventure, and is continually built or destroyed...think about that for a moment, if you are not at this very moment building love it is atrophying...and who wants a dead love life? Yes, there is always a risk of rejection, or building your end of a loving relationship and not having it be reciprocated. But often people who are receiving love, tend to be more loving back. Also, in loving others we learn more about what love means to us, and how to ask for that in return, and even love ourselves more. Remember, Erica Jong said " Love is everything it's cracked up to be....It really is worth fighting for. And the trouble is if you don't risk anything, your risk is even greater". Today is not over, what unexpected kindness can you show to your partner right this moment? How can you build your love stock? Shame is a very powerful feeling, it can wreak havoc on all areas of your life. How you feel about yourself, how well you do at work, how you interact with food, how good you are in relationships, or in bed, these things are all linked to your relationship with shame. If you feel shameful about an area of your life, it's likely exerting a lot more power over you than you'd like. Shame does not have to make you it's mistress. Instead, use shame's ultimate opposite to start fighting back. Be vulnerable. Whoow... scary concept I know. The things is, shame breeds secrets, and most secrets make us feel bad, or hold great power over us. And who wants that? It's time to take our power back, one omission at a time. Before you begin, make sure you choose your audience wisely. You don't want to expose yourself more to someone who will use information against you, make you feel ashamed of what you are sharing, or won't treat you with respect and love (i.e. if a person calls you fatty, this is not the person to share your shame over your weight with...in fact this is not a person to be around at all). So, how do you know when you are having an opportunity to fight shame... well the easiest way is to listen to that voice in the back of your head that says "never tell anyone about this EVER!!", and then find a trusted friend, and do exactly what that voice said not to. TELL. Over the last 6 months I've been more engage in my assault on shame, and to be quite honest, I'm kind of kicking butt at it.. Anytime I think "don't tell" or "please let no one have seen that", I automatically out myself. Usually to my husband, but other times to close friends. I use omission so much in fact that sometimes my husband has barely come through the door when I'm sharing my embarrassing experience, and rendering it powerless. Whoohoo, go me! I've learned I don't want to be a part of a shame based system, I want to live empowered, and feeling awesome in who I am. And I do... so how about your? Why not be a bit more honest, and start to feel a little better about the beautiful mess you are. Who knows, eventually you might lose the mess and simply be left with the beauty. Albert Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results". It is well known that this theoretical physicist was a genius, and achieved things within his lifetime that forever revolutionized the way people looked at the world. However, when I hear that quote, I understand where it comes from, but would instead put forth a different theory. I believe that doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results is human nature. It is also incredibly frustrating, and thus is can make you feel insane. When we are dealing with a problem it is common to want to fix it. The problem may be your relationship with your partner, you interaction with your weight, your child's temper tantrums, or anything really. But most of us when dealing with the problem, tend to get on the same track of interaction over and over. So let's experiment, shall we? This week I challenge you to do one thing different in your interaction, and just see what happens. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just something different than your normal quick response. If could be as small as a smile, go out and give it a tr. Well, here it is the close of another year. Growing up I always thought New Years Eve was a stupid holiday, I mean what is really different one day to the next, every day is really the last of that day you'll ever experience, so I just didn't get the hype.
Now as a grown up (yes, I am) I still think it is a rather crap holiday, but it's a needed crap holiday. You see New Years Eve symbolizes HOPE, and we all need a bit more of that. It represent fresh beginnings, and an opportunity for things to be different. While every day actual holds this opportunity, it is hard for us to see it. It is human nature to become immune to the hope that springs up new with every rising of the sun, but on the days you can ward off the nature of taking things for granted...well those days are special. New Years is special because it allows you to do just that. Heck, it even encourages you to hold on to what you want most at midnight, and kiss it square on the lips (your welcome Skunk). So, this year I encourage you to hold on to Hope. Welcome it in your lives, and recognize that every day is a new beginning, and a chance to live the life that God has created you for. It could be even more awesome than you expect! Happy New Year! Camels embrace the present. So can you. We are pattern people, it is human nature to live out reoccurring cycles of interaction, with our selves, others, and our environment. Every Friday I hear countless people exclaim TGIF (Thank God It's Friday), it's basically a once a week American Motto. And what happens on Monday??? People grumble, feel sleepy, and even get told they have a "case of the Mondays". People dread the beginning of another week. So, what's up with this? What really is so different between Mondays and Fridays. Well, it's obvious, they are both the onset of something new - a new week, or a new weekend. And most of us enjoy our weekends much more than our weeks. Mondays are symbolic of work, and routine, while weekends hold the possibility of freedom, choices, and fun. So, it makes sense that people get excited about the end of the week and beginning of the weekend. But what would it be like if we started experiencing Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and even Thursdays as Fridays? What if we simply woke up every days saying Thank God it's Today (TGIT). I don't want to act naive, I know there are responsibilities and things that make having a TGIT attitude harder to achieve, but it is possible. We can feel excited about a day, any day. It holds the same amount of time that Friday did, even if we spend 8 hours at the office first, there is still more hope left for the day, what are you doing to do with it? So today, I encourage you to not get caught up in the monotony, and dread that can happen. Instead, embrace today, and even if it is only for 5 minutes, do something fun and worth it. Make tonight a Friday night inside your head, and make it wonderful. You have that power. Today can be a great day, it's the only today you get. TGIT! Lately I've been thinking a lot about failure, and what true failure looks like. I say true failure as if there is one definitive failure out there, but I recognize that everyone has their own perception of failure and what ultimate failure would really be for them. In recent years the term failure has passed around quickly and without much thought. I hear girls giggle and comment “fail” to each other. There are countless youtube videos depicting various "epic fail(s)". It’s not just teenage girls though, adults joke with each other, and label something as simple as tripping over a rug as a “fail”.
Most of us can easily identify with failure to some extent in our lives. Lets face it, not many people can say they have exactly the life they always wanted. Most of us have struggled with failure at some point, whether it be for a moment, a day, or longer. But for some of us, failure becomes more. It becomes that voice inside that says “your not good enough”, “you’re never gonna make it”, “you don’t deserve this”, “no one likes you”. That voice creates a raw vulnerability, and then we hear someone casually joke about our latest “fail”, and it feels like confirmation. We begin to think the voice was right; I am worthless. The failure has become internalized. How easy is it to be successful, when you constantly feel like a failure? Internalized failure makes the simplest of tasks difficult, and defeats our confidence. It becomes a huge driving force that wreaks havoc on anything we set out to do. So with consequences as harsh as this, you can see how the casualness that we associate with failure has me concerned. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t have to be that way. Today I invite you to take back your life. Begin the dialogue with yourself to evict failure. Now hold on, I’m not telling you to be perfect. Cause trying to be perfect is the easiest way to feel like a constant failure. Instead I am encouraging you to take steps to grapple with failure. To grapple means to change your position to one that is advantageous, and betters your chances of winning. This is usually a fighting term, but you are in a fight, and it’s important you win. It’s time to start turning the tables and working towards your best self. Here’s how:
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Rebecca's Reflections
Thoughts and musings to consider. Archives
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